Currently I feel caged, like everything is an exercise in futility. I feel like no matter what direction I turn in, I’m surrounding by a glass wall of some sort. I can see where I need to be, or the road ahead, but there is no way for me to get there. And like a hamster on a wheel, I just keep spinning and spinning.

I don’t know what is causing this. I don’t know how to fix it. Some thoughts I’ve had on it:

• Its a self-esteem issue.
• I’m not living my purpose.
• I’m going about things the wrong way.
• I’m missing what’s in front of my face.
• I’m trying to force things.
• I haven’t done things on my own before.
• I’ve relied too much on others.
• I don’t trust myself.

Frankly, it could be any of these, or none of them, or hell even all of them.  I just don’t know anymore.  Maybe I have spent too much time looking for external answers.  I’ve always been secure, but this is honestly the first time I have really strayed from the “norm”.  And the first time I’ve outwardly accepted my own quirks.  Hopefully I’ll figure things out soon.  Time is of the essence!

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I am a perfectionist.  Your classic Type A+ overachiever.  I also admit to being a workaholic, and a bit OCD.

Sounds great, doesn’t it?

I reached burnout at 21.  Extreme burnout.  My body, mind and soul pretty much gave out.  I ignored it.  I continued on with my action packed, high paced life.  But I could only ignore it for so long.  From 21 to 25, my productivity went down.  Not only that, but my life disappeared into an endless plateau of nothingness.  It was all I could do to get myself out of bed in the mornings.

Yet I continued to drive myself.  When pushing didn’t work, berating would commence.  Nothing on this planet can be as vile and vicious as a disappointed Type A+.  I’m sure I went a bit crazy during the last three years or so.

So now I am left with trying to rebuild myself from the ground up.  And instead of taking it slowly, I instantly go into overachiever mode.  And as of yet, I do not know how to make it work for me.  Right now I’m just trying to keep it from stopping me from enjoying life.  I don’t always do the best job, but I am trying.  And that’s all I can ask.

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I’m starting to wonder if I’m not trying to drive myself into an early grave.  I think I might be suffering from burnout, which is anathma to a person like me.  The extreme Type A+ personality.  Overzealous overachiever.  Though I’m not achieving anything now, am I?

I don’t know how to curtail that aspect of myself though.  I am completely incapable of focusing on merely one thing for any given length of time.  I can’t focus.  So I pile things on.  Usually I’m quite adept at handling them all, but 26 years of being everything to everyone, doing it all, piling more and more on top of myself…might have taken its toll.

To give you an idea, through most of high school I was taking 8-12 courses, was playing a sport just about every season, working 2-3 jobs, taking independent study, and still somehow managed to find time for a social life.  Where did my time management skills go I wonder?

Now granted, I do have a lot on my plate, but I shouldn’t be having such a difficult time with it, especially considering its finally things I want to do.  Now where’s my energy, drive and focus?  On vacation to Tahiti, without me.  Right now I’m starting/building my freelance business, taking care of the house, being the sole parent to my daughter, taking care of my disabled father and ill mother, writing a novel, writing a video game script, blogging, and somewhere in there sticking herbalism, social time, study time, photography…geesh, no wonder I feel a bit overwhelmed.  Those first three take up well over 24hrs a day on their own!

Yeah, I have issues…

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On one hand, things are going well.  But on many others, not so much. I have discovered a few things about myself, and I’m looking forward to a few more discoveries.  Hopefully rather more intriguing then my recent discovery of my allergy to nicotine.  Its making quitting smoking difficult to say the least.

But things are not going to plan at all.  Partly due to the nicotine allergy.  I might have to seek out alternatives in order to quit successfully.  Due to the allergy, my energy is far lower then it was even when I was smoking, even though my lungs are far cleaner.  Its like being stuck in pause, you know what you want to do, but nothing can seem to get you there.  My body and brain just aren’t working together.

I hate feeling like I’m complaining.  I’m not.  I’m just on a rough patch.  I’m working on a novel, a video game script and have plenty of ideas for articles and blog posts…its just the creating of them that’s getting to be a hassle.  I love creating, but the lack of energy is really making it difficult to do what I love.  And I know that its due to the nicotine allergy.  Since I had one day nicotine free – and felt 1000% better then I do now.  I actually had energy, something I’ve been seeing less and less of since junior high.

Progress is still being made.  I’m not stuck exactly where I was a week ago, or even a year ago.  The only problem I’m really running into is my own drive and impatience.

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I’ve hit a rather rough patch in the road.  Its like being lost and wandering around until you see something familiar.  Not sure if its from piling too much on my shoulders, the effects of a major lifestyle change, or simply a transition period.

Nothing is progressing as I had hoped, but progress hasn’t stopped altogether.  Which is a plus.  As long as I’m still moving forward, I’ll get somewhere.  Might not be where I thought, but that’s okay.  As long as it isn’t worse.   I’m fairly sure I’ll come out of this knowing exactly what I should have done to solve it…hindsight being 20/20 and all that.  Of course that doesn’t help me now, but there isn’t much I can do about it.

Of course, not knowing the root of the problem isn’t helping any.  It could be a lack of energy, lack of motivation, adjusting to all the changes, a vitamin deficiency, or any number of other things.  Could even be that I simply do not have the knowledge to speed up my progress.  Or even simpler, it could be my number one enemy, perfectionism, making my life more difficult.  I’m notorious for pushing myself too hard, far beyond what most would consider impossible.  That does tend to make one rebel after awhile.

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One problem I’m having lately is planning.  Things are coming at me so fast that I’m having a hard time keeping up.  Which is putting me fairly low on the productivity scale.  In fact, my progress in some areas have been halted, due to the influx.

Every time I turn around, the next logical step is RIGHT there, without any breathing room.  While that is good, and its wonderful that the Universe sees fit to aid me in my journey, its making things a bit more complex then I anticipated.  I’m just trying to muddle through the best way I can.

Its almost like jumping on a rollercoaster that’s zipping along three-four times faster then any rollercoaster you’ve ever been on before.  You expect the normal roller coaster speed, but instead you’re flying.  Rather disorienting sensation.  Hopefully I will find a spot to catch my breath soon, or at least hit the point where all the previous changes feel comfortable!  I am feeling rather uncomfortable at the moment, but I’m not complaining!

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I have decided upon another step in the journey.  After this carton is finished, I will be quitting smoking.

One of my main reasons for doing so is due to my energy levels.  Or should I say my nonexistent energy levels.  I live on coffee all day every day, just to do the most basic of tasks.  I’ve had blood work done, vitamin levels checked, mental health exams…all came up normal.

Without energy, I might as well give up now.  And I know from past experience that it will not miraculously improve.  With everything I desire in my life (of course I want it all NOW), I’m going to need every scrap of energy I can muster in order to see the journey to the end.  I want my life back, instead of walking around in a haze of lethargy.

This one change will affect most aspects of my life.  I’ll be saving money, which will help my finances.  I’ll enjoy better health for as long as I can.  My daughter will no longer be inhaling second hand smoke, which would improve her health.  I’ll be able to do more with the extra energy (if it works), which will then improve all aspects of my life.  I’m not even fully sure of all the ways this could improve my life.  Improvements are good!

I have started a blog detailing my quitting smoking journey.  I’m hoping to maintain it for at least a year, and I hope that it will help another person take the plunge.  Or help motivate someone who already has.  I have no doubts that this will be difficult, but from where I’m sitting, it very much looks worth it.

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Part of my dream life is to have a clean, uncluttered home. My mood and mindset is far better when my house is tidy. I admit it, I’m a bit OCD in some cases.

It is definitely a work in progress though. Some days I do really well on the housework, and others, well…I ignore it. I actually love to clean, but fitting it in with everything else is a challenge. Which causes more work, as things just keep piling up. Funny how that happens.

But it definitely is important.  Especially when you live in the woods.  Amazing how many critters are not afraid of humans.  And who really needs all that junk?  It can be overwhelming at times, but the peace that comes with it is worth it.

I’ve been using FlyLady for awhile now, and her program really helps keep things in perspective.  It has definitely saved me from scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush!  Guilty of that several times, sadly.  Especially when I had grout…enough said.  You can track my day to day progress on the FlyLady Forum.  I have my very own accountability thread, filled with my huge to do lists.

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Now that I’ve had time to actually start my freelance career, and living for myself…it seems there are doubts that lurk under the surface.  Some are of course utterly rediculous, but some actually made me pause.  They suprised me.  I know that I’m a capable person, strong and rather intellegent…so where are these doubts coming from?

It also makes me wonder how often these doubts have stopped me before.  I’m inclined to say quite a bit, considering otherwise I’d be in a life that felt more like mine.  Its making me take a step back and really consider where they are coming from.  The doubts are standing in the way of what I want.

Me thinks that I will need to spend some time with my journal, recording these.

One rather odd thing that has started with this journey is that people are coming out of the woodwork to teach me things.  From programming to mechanics, I seem to be in a flood of teachers.  Something has definitely shifted, which would explain as well all the inner doubts and the fact that I feel uncomfortable.  Going against what I have always known isn’t easy.  I’m blazing my own trail, and it feels right.

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Sometimes things do not quite work out to plan.  While knowing where I want to go, and a basic (very basic) idea of how to get there, something just is off.  I feel frozen, not in panic, but just stuck.  Not exactly the ideal way of starting any journey, but a start nonetheless.  Perhaps I am driving myself too hard, or not hard enough.  Perhaps I do not have all the skills necessary at this point.  Maybe its just simply different, and is going to take time to absorb my new reality.

It is very likely that I am simply piling too much onto my shoulders at once.  I’m a natural piler.  Think Atlas.

My nature tends to follow my brain.  My brain acts in lightning quick bursts, and I’ve never been able to succeed in slowing it down.  And I’m not happy unless I’m busy.  But I’m finding that there is such a thing as too much at once.  I absorb everything at the speed of light, and its quite possible that I’ve hit information overload.  Or I’ve already tipped my own balance out of my favor.

Perhaps I need to adjust my focus for a bit.

Its all a work in progress, and its not going to happen overnight.  As long as I’m still moving forward, even if its only a tiny step at a time, its still progress.

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Well, divine intervention wins again.  I have been let go from my part time job.  While for most people in this economy, that would seem like a bad thing, for me its wonderful.  Abet a little scary.  Now I am free to seek my own path in life, instead of following the “normal” path of school/work/retire.

And yes, its scary.  No one else is currently dictating to me where I should be at such and such a time, what projects are important, etc.  No one is telling me what to do.  And after growing up in this wonderful country, as freeing as it is to finally be able to think for myself, I have grown accustomed to someone else telling me how my life should go.  I’ve run the gambit like so many others, from parents to teachers, bosses and even drill sergeants.

Now I have to be my own boss, my own teacher, and my own everything else.  Which I have always wanted.  I grew tired long ago of everyone else telling me what to do, and making demands on my time that I didn’t feel fit who I was inside.  But now I have to step up to the plate, and that has allowed a lot of doubt to creep in.  Will I be able to do it?  Is it even WORTH it?  What if I’m wrong?  Blah blah blah blah blah.  I’m sure you get the point.

I don’t know if I CAN accomplish what I desire.  It may not be within me to do so.  I could have been deluding myself that I am more then just a 9-5, do what they tell me lackey.  But what does it hurt to try?  Sure I could fail, but is that such a bad thing?  What’s the worst that can happen?  Considering the fact that I’ve already been down the “worst” path and survived, I’m pretty sure I can do it again if necessary.

The big question is what do I have to gain?  Experience, knowledge, and the satisfaction of living my own life on my terms.  The ability to be free.  To not feel stifled by jobs that use a mere fraction of my potential.  To be able to grow and allow my circumstances to reflect that, instead of me trying to fit my circumstances.  The only things we can take with us into death are the experiences and knowledge we have gained…so why be so preoccupied with things that truly have no lasting value?

Life is a journey, not a destination.  Death is the destination.

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